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5/13/05 03:59 pm - dyingtobethin.

and so my head spins once more and i can't control.
i lack all the beauty.
i can't say i don't have a problem.
i am dying to be thin.

5/7/05 11:41 pm

and i never thought it would happen.
i see you in a different light...

5/3/05 05:15 pm

i'm feeling scared. i don't know what to do. is it crazy to feel like this? is it wrong to love someone so much? is it wrong to believe?
i'm in need of something. i'm need of my best friend. but he's out right now. he probably won't come back too. but i'll keep wanting. i'll keep hoping.
is there someone out there who can take all of this away? who out there if brave enough to take on my life? who will be my hero this time...who...

5/2/05 11:46 pm

i am heartbroken. i couldn't sleep. i can't eat. i can't get up to do anything. i'm wondering how long this feeling will last. i'm hoping for someone to just come along and take all my miseries away. i want that to happen. he said i should stop wishing becasue it will never happen between us.but what can i do. i'm still wishing. i'm still fighting. my heart is still giving it its all. it's sad because i've been hurt so many times but yet i'm still fighting. i know what i'm fighting for. i know what i want. and i am sure of it. very sure of it. i know of the dream i have...and i can't just forget about it when it was my everything.

kurt, i love you. with all my heart and soul. and eventhough i said i wasn't going to fight anymore, i'm still fighting. you taught me that...i'm not talking but i'm fighting. i know you're not. so i will fight for us both.

5/1/05 04:36 pm

and so her world stopped turning and she is numb. three times the heartache from her three steps behind him. bleeding tears from words spoken phase indulge her mask with heat and pain. reenact the life that once fulfilled the dreams lie on the floor as a map to guide her to what could be her eternal happiness. stab. stab. stab. it goes on for a lifetime. it will not cease. her pillow floods with memories...

why couldn't you just let me die last night.
i was ready. i just wanted you there to hold me...

4/25/05 01:08 am - backtosquareone.

why do i keep fighting? the boy obviously doesn't like me the way i want him to. so why do i even bother? why can't i just let go? i have actually tried and i've accomplished not shedding a single tear for him for four days. so why then when i talk to him i cry like a fucking moron and go right back to square one. what the fuck. i'm tired. he's tired. i want to end it. i really do. he said move on and so i shall. there goes another relationship gone bad. too bad it was the best relationship i've ever had. we were lovers turned to best friends and eachothers confidant.

4/23/05 06:07 pm



4/17/05 06:00 pm - thisbrokenheart.

dear kurt.

i have to give up. i don't want to lose you but i have to. if what i'm feeling now hurts me this much,i wonder how hell would feel like...i'm sorry for being selfish for wanting you to be with me. i'm sorry for shedding every tear for you. i'm sorry for loving you with every ounce of love i can give. i'm sorry. i'm feeling the seperation. we've fought a good fight and i don't think i can keep fighting. i'm slowly dying. i am. i feel it in my shattered heart. i can't give you any more reasons why you should be with me and it hurts me more to know you can't seem to find any. i am ugly inside and out. i should thank you for showing me that. i want to recover quickly but i don't think i can mend my broken heart this time. i'm bound to be with someone like you, i know it. i keep wishing you'd see that for me too. i've pleaded for your love. i've pleaded too much. i should just stop and let you be. i'm sorry.


4/14/05 10:15 pm


4/13/05 11:18 pm

so i'm off to the states in about 3 hours. i wish i was excited...but my dearest mother who goes crazy everytime we go on a trip, is ruining everything! gosh...by the time we get back everyone will hate eachother. oh how i can't wait. kurt will be watching over conando and our place. i hope he doesn't kill the thing. heh.
i wondered today why i'm so caught up on him. i found answers. yet they don't mean anything since his heart is on someone else's hands. shutting off is actually helping me. i thought it wouldn't work and it would bottle up all my feelings but it's not. maybe i'm better of this way. just play along with everything he does eventhough it tears me apart inside. i feel my heart tear into pieces eveyday. yesterday was probably the worst. i don't think i can tape it back together. there's nothing more painful than having someone you loved for so long tell you there's no possiblity to become one. he said he had lost interest. ouch. the feeling was having my heart shred into pieces then having the one that i love stab the pieces over and over again while looking straight at me mischievously. i will accept the fact that we may never be. but i can still love. i will give him my love. and it is the love that will last an enertiny and beyond. like i said, i will sacrifice anything for his happiness. even when i'm dragging a boulder tied around my neck. i will be on the side. but it's better than being behind... i will cry and i probably may just stare at nothing for an entire day, but he is my best friend...his happiness means everything.
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