4/13/05 11:18 pm
so i'm off to the states in about 3 hours. i wish i was excited...but my dearest mother who goes crazy everytime we go on a trip, is ruining everything! gosh...by the time we get back everyone will hate eachother. oh how i can't wait. kurt will be watching over conando and our place. i hope he doesn't kill the thing. heh.
i wondered today why i'm so caught up on him. i found answers. yet they don't mean anything since his heart is on someone else's hands. shutting off is actually helping me. i thought it wouldn't work and it would bottle up all my feelings but it's not. maybe i'm better of this way. just play along with everything he does eventhough it tears me apart inside. i feel my heart tear into pieces eveyday. yesterday was probably the worst. i don't think i can tape it back together. there's nothing more painful than having someone you loved for so long tell you there's no possiblity to become one. he said he had lost interest. ouch. the feeling was having my heart shred into pieces then having the one that i love stab the pieces over and over again while looking straight at me mischievously. i will accept the fact that we may never be. but i can still love. i will give him my love. and it is the love that will last an enertiny and beyond. like i said, i will sacrifice anything for his happiness. even when i'm dragging a boulder tied around my neck. i will be on the side. but it's better than being behind... i will cry and i probably may just stare at nothing for an entire day, but he is my best friend...his happiness means everything.